This Weekend was Deer Hunting, without the Deer

That's right. We hunted the entire weekend, and five minutes before the season ended Christopher, Garrett, and Grandma saw four deer. The first deer seen all weekend! So, Grandma shot into the air to startle them into freezing. They were right behind Garrett's deer stand (more like a club house on the ground). She couldn't shoot at the deer without worrying about shooting into the stand and possibly hitting either of her sons sitting in there. So, Garrett decided to come out and check to see what Grandma shot at. As he opened the door, Christopher decided to push passed him, but tripped on something and fell out of the stand. "Deer!" he screamed as he saw them staring at them. Both of the boys got a shot off, but they both missed as the deer took off for their lives.

I also got to help them "drive" the deer. Pretty much we spread out and walked through the long grass where deer usually lay down and wait out the day. It was fun. Everyone kept telling me I couldn't do it and I insisted they were wrong. I even had to walk the stream. It was like walking the washes in the desert. The paths that the water takes down the mountains was just like this stream I was jumping from bank to bank on. The thorn bushes were just like the desert sage I used to battle to get up the mountain side. Of course there was a lot more trees than in the desert, but finding my footing was easy. I enjoyed it a lot. Made me feel more like my old self than in a long time. I used to walk the desert everyday with the dogs and my siblings. We used to search for horny toads, lizards, and any cacti we could use as well. Only driving deer is colder than walking through the desert! Hee hee! I was bundled up and everyone kept making sure I was warm enough. I think they thought I was going to go back or something. I wanted to do this! I love watching Kenre, but I needed to walk through some tough terrain for a while. It made me feel better inside.

I pulled out my old dresses last week. I sat in the closet and cried for a while. I even put one on and walked around for a while. It's just not fair, I think. I feel normal in my dresses. Grandma convince Jon a while ago, that I needed to wear pants and t-shirts instead of my dresses. Now I feel like it's the only way to please him. He even walked into the house while I was wearing the dress. He said, "Run out of clean clothes?" I didn't, of course, I keep on that very well, but I nodded anyway. Hide my necklace, hide my books, hide my accent, hide my dresses, and hide myself all because I really want a friend. I really want Jon to keep loving me. I really want a family up here.

I know my dresses aren't the normal up here, but I feel normal in them. I feel confident and strong. I feel so stupid wearing jeans and t-shirts! I feel like I should just cut my hair, lower my voice, and start to curse at everyone, like the males in this town do. I'm a female! Why can't I show it?!

So now who am I? If I was Muslim would they tell me not to wear my burka? If I was Jewish would they tell me not to wear my Star of David? So, I'm Pagan and in my tradition it says to wear these dresses and my necklace. I can't, though, and it hurts. Jon keeps saying that he's sorry, but I want friends so much I can't scare everyone away. Well, I've been here since May and I have one friend... and she's an outcast too. Sometimes I wish I could just live in a Pagan town with all Pagan people! It would be so much easier on us. My dresses aren't normal for them either, but they wouldn't tell me to take them off!

I only have the summer version of my dresses anyway. I need a winter version of the style if I'm ever going to be able to wear them all year long. Too bad I can't sew worth crap. It's not hard to make, but mine keep coming out lopsided... I am also broke beyond words.

So, I guess I've vented long enough. We don't have much deer meat coming our way, but Grandma Great said she was going to see if we can have half of the cow meat they're getting this year.