So much for a Happy Ending...

I started bleeding yesterday afternoon. I'm cramping really bad too. My mother says I shouldn't worry, and could still be carrying, but I feel like it's a lost cause. I'll never become pregnant again and carry again. Kenre is my miracle baby, and the doctors told me to love him best because he'll be my only one. I want my big family, though, and we cannot afford to adopt. My younger sister, Kier, is pregnant again too. This is her third child, all under 3 years old. How come I want one, and she doesn't want more, and yet I can't carry? Why is it that the world is so screwed up like that?

So, after trying for another one since May and again being told I can never have another baby, here is the test I took this evening.

I'm so happy that I actually cried three times already for joy. I really hope this goes to term, because I want my big family so bad. Kenre needs a friend, and he is really good with the baby we babysit. He thinks it's fun to place the pacifier in the baby's mouth. I know he'll be a wonderful older/middle (Alex included every other weekend, of course) brother to this baby. I'm hoping for a boy. Too early to tell, though. YAY!! I feel like running around and telling everyone!

Sick Children and mom's who don't care...

Yup, you read the right. Mom's who don't care their kids are sick. Now, I'm not talking just about the viral or bacterial sickness either. I'm talking about every type of "sick" you can think of. Why am I saying this? Well...

Thursday Jon called Baka, Alex's birth mom, to tell her that he needs to pick Alex up early on Friday because he's going up into the Cities to drop off a part from the shop he works in. So, Baka's fiance, Donkey, answers the phone and talks with Jon for a while. I keep hearing, "Yup" and "Uh-huh" and other such affirming sounds coming from Jon and I'm thinking, "What in the world is he agreeing to?!" Jon used to be a push-over to Baka's every whim, and Donkey has used this to his advantage as well. I was sitting there trying to hear the conversation, but couldn't. I started pacing in my frustration when finally Jon hangs up the phone. He starts to tell me that it's fine he goes and picks up Alex early. They're going to be looking for a Town House to live in, so it'll work out better for them. Plus, Alex has a double ear infection... wait, WHAT?! They're allowing Alex to come over to my house when Kenre just got his shots... thus Kenre is going to get sick because his immune system is crap right now... and I'm already dealing with a sick one year old, now I have to deal with a sick four year old too!? Why me? Why is it that Baka even will allow her sick son to leave the house when it's 30 degrees (Fahrenheit) outside?! It's below freezing (I know because we scrape the ice off the windshield every morning for two weeks now.) They're calling for snow on Sunday, and she doesn't mind that her four year old is going to be outside in this!? Why? Because she wants the weekend off. Donkey is going to take Mute (Baka's and Donkey's son) with him to see the Town Houses and he always takes him on Saturdays we have Alex for his "Father/Son Bonding time". When do I get my time off? ...right now, while I sit here blogging at night knowing one of the two are going to wake up any minute now from nightmares, pain, or fever. I wish I could actually cry right now...

So, why "moms" as in plural? Well, while waiting for Jon and Alex to return from the Cities, Kenre and I were down stairs doing my normal weekday tutoring session with two kids of my friends. Jazz and Ell are both very behind in their school work and Jazz is even repeating third grade. Their younger sister, four year old Flower, loves learning new signs from me and the twins Jewels and Eve love copying their older sister as well. Now, Eve was sleeping, but Jewels was awake to play with Kenre (they are about three months apart in age). I'm teaching Flower some new signs and helping Jazz with her Sign Language homework when Ell comes barreling into the apartment and hands their mom, Carley, and note from the caretaker of the building. It's obvious he was trying to open it, but was unable to because they're sealed so that you have to use a knife to open them. So, I'm teaching Flower the sign for "keys" when Carley starts to scream at her two oldest. The note said they had been caught in another tenet's car! Both children start to cry and vehemently deny the whole thing. So, Carley calls the caretaker and asks which tenet, because her kids are lying to her and she wants to know what car they were caught in. You see, she though that since another tenet and her have the same type of vehicle it is possibly the kids mistook the car of the tenets for hers. It's actually quite possible. Kids don't always think to look at license plates. So, they leave the apartment with the knowledge that I will watch the other kids while she finds the truth behind all of this. Turns out it was a completely different car the kids went into. They even seemed to search the trunk!

They return and both kids are sent to their rooms and told they cannot come out until it is spotless. Ell of course comes out not even two minutes into his sentence and Jazz comes out after about five minutes. I'm waiting for Carley to punish them or send them back into their rooms. It didn't happen, at least not while I was there. I don't know why she doesn't see that she is just allowing them to misbehave. We lock our car, but that is really just a habit from living in a city all my life and Jon living with me for the last two years. We also lock our apartment, which is surprising to our neighbors. It's just something we do and probably always will. You never know when even country kids will get the idea to "have a little fun". What were the kids doing in the car? Why did they enter it? I don't know. I didn't ask. Jon showed up and I finished my tutoring to meet him out in the hall so that Kenre could scream at the top of his lungs and sign "Alex" while Alex ran up and hugged Kenre yelling out "Henry!" It made the whole drama in the other apartment leave my mind. I did ask Jon if he locked the car, though. Which he looked at me funny and said, "Of course."

Now, after all of this, I just got told that tomorrow I might have my day off after all! Well, kind of. I'll have Kenre, but he's fine and usually pretty quiet. Alex is going to go over to Jon's parents' house to play with his friend L.J. That is, if L.J. shows up and Alex is a "big boy" and keeps his pants dry and clean. Jon is probably going to work. I am going to go for my nice long walk I've been missing since it's been raining lately. I also need to buy a printer for my stay at home job, and I got wind of one for 30$ at a local second hand store. Hopefully it's in good condition and I can find the ink for it!

I have a nice clean house now. I need to hang my clean laundry, but since both kids are sleeping I'll have to wait until tomorrow for that.

Can you believe that Samhain (Halloween) is just a week away?! Oh I am so happy! I love Samhain! Kenre is going as Tigger, and so are Jewel and Eve down stairs. It just so happens that we bought the same outfit and are going together around the neighborhood! We won't have Alex, but we'll have him next year. I'm sure we can come up with a good theme for next years double costumes! I hope Carley doesn't get evicted by then, either, because she is my only friend here in this small town.

(People in this post have been given nicknames except for my family. I do this because I do not know if they wish their names all over the web.)

((Baka= It's a term I hear in Japan. It means Idiot. When I repeated this term to others from around the world they came up with translations from their own respective countries. Philippines: Homosexual ... Spanish: Cow ... Arabic: Camel ... This being said we use it for Alex's mom's name since we think she is a Fat Gay Idiot Camel {Watch it, they spit and retain water}. it worked well.

Donkey= We came up with this term to keep his attributes G rated.

Mute= This is the term we came up with to use for their son, because he is 20 months old and doesn't make a sound. I'm serious. A two hour conference with Alex's teachers and Mute didn't make a noise the entire time. Surprisingly, Alex was quiet until I asked him what was wrong. He smiled and said, "Hi mommy" to me and was talkative once again.

Now you know who these three are and why they have their names.))

Uhm... Why?

Why am I awake? I didn't fall to sleep too well last night and I definitely didn't get my prescribed eight hours or slightly longer. So, why am I bloody awake right now!?

The alarm went off for Jon to go to work, but he won't wake up. His excuse is that we have to leave for the doctor's office at 10:15 to make it in time. I don't see why he couldn't go to work before 8AM, though. His shop is down the street, not even a whole 5 minute drive from here. I walk pass it all of the time on my daily walks (which are slowing down because of the cold). Then again most people can't walk the miles I can. I just like to walk, and if everything was within my walking distance I would rather do that, at least until the cold becomes too unbearable.

So, at 8AM Kenre decided to start crying. I get up, go into the kitchen to get his bottle ready. As I'm rinsing out the nipple of the bottle I hear him settle down and fall back asleep. Now I'm awake and no reason for it. I only got four hours of sleep, and I'm tired, but unable to fall back into slumber again.

Why can't my life ever be "normal." Or may be this is normal and no one has clued me in yet!

I told you so!

Do you ever hate those words: "I told you so."

So do I. I hate them even more when I have the urge to say them aloud to someone else. Especially to a hurting friend. So, why am I talking about this? Well, today a friend of mine I haven't spoken to in a long while called me. We used to be room-mates in Japan. His wife, him, my husband, and me. Well, they became pregnant (or at least his wife did) and they moved out to start their family together. We didn't mind. His wife was really bad and I didn't like her. He is too soft and a total door mat. I was getting sick of caring for them like they were my children. The day after they left my husband and I lay in our bed and talked for a while. The bad thing, we made bets on their marriage. I know we shouldn't have, but we really didn't even think they'd be able to keep a baby alive let alone stay married. I told my friend, his name's James by the way, that he should really think about what might happen in the future here. He brushed me off then. Today he called me to say that he just finished the divorce with his now ex-wife. He has 50/50 custody of his son, Kyan, who's 18 months old. I wanted to say, "Told you so, but you wouldn't listen." I warned him about everything that forced his hand to divorce her. She cheated on him and then called CPS saying he was abusing Kyan. I feel like she's doing everything that Mindy, Jon's first wife, did to force Jon not to have any custody or contact with Alex. *Le sigh* I feel like I can't do anything for anyone now a days.

So, today was interesting, though. I couldn't get Kenre to wake up. No, seriously, he just didn't want to wake up. I walked into his room at 11 AM and he opened his eyes to look at me, but didn't move. I told him I'd be back, and walked out to get his bottle. When I returned he was asleep again. I picked him up, gave him his bottle, then laid him down to change his diaper. While changing his diaper he fell back asleep again. What am I going to do with that boy. He's so lazy! He's 12 months old and sleeps a lot when he's suppose to be awake, and then today for nap time he didn't sleep at all! I had to call the doctors to make an appointment for him, and he just wanted to scream the entire time. Arg...

We watched a lot of Signing Time! and I even feel like I can sign every single episode now. We have Baby Signing Time! Volume's 1 and 2. Then we have Signing Time! Volumes 1-6. Sad thing is we need more. There's two season (each 13 episodes) and two more Baby Signing Time! that just got released. I am so broke, but he is constantly wanting a new one. We watch only Signing Time! now in this house. I've tried Word World and Bear in the Big Blue House, but he's not interested. He wants to see the kids signing. Plus, he's a bit tone deaf and it probably helps that they're using something he can "talk" with. He can't hear the other shows, but Signing Time! gives him something he can understand.

So, now he just woke up tonight and is again not wanting to fall asleep. Could something be wrong with him? I'm glad I made that doctors appointment, but I have a complete headache now. I wish I could just lay him down and be done for the night.

I want a full night's sleep!!!!! Why can I just not get that? If it's not Kenre, it's Alex, or something other in my life has upset me and I lie awake wondering what I should do.

Well, it's late now. I need to clean my house up and then get into bed and hopefully Kenre will fall asleep and I'll be able to finally sleep a full night too. Wish me luck!

Many Have Asked...

...me what I mean in my signature by Pagan. This is also a hot topic online right now because of Halloween coming up. I am going to place some information about Halloween at a later date.

Here's my answer to Paganism:

I am using the term Pagan to be used with the definition:

"A modern religious movement that encompasses traditions which are generally earth-centered; magickal; indigenous; stress a connection to and respect for the natural world; recognize both male and female deities; encourage diversity in spiritual beliefs, practices, and lifestyles; do not operate under a central hierarchy; have no official or standerdized dogma that extends beyond the particular tradition; and stresses personal responsibility in matters of belief, ethics, and spiritual practice." -PAGANISM; An Introduction To Earth-Centered Religions by: Joyce & River Higginbotham

It's a religion, not a cult. It does not usually have anything to do with Christianity, though there are some who claim to be Christian Pagan, and those would include hell and heaven in their practices. It has some things to do with the occult in some cases. Has a lot to do with pluralism since everything must have a male and female side. There is no recognized sin, so salvation wouldn't be included unless someone said it to one of us to "save our souls." Some of us consider ourselves to be the more modern version of a Witch. Some of us claim to do Witchcraft. The Unitarian churches welcome us to their services, but many of us don't go. We are Universalist, in the sense that I know of the word, because we believe everything is combined in the Universe. Voodoo is the witchcraft known in the Hoodoo religion. Hoodoo or Voodoo is not a Pagan known religion, but one more closely associated with Santeria or African tribe based religions not commonly associated with the new movement of Paganism.

Asking a Pagan to describe their religion is like taking the many different type of Christian religious sects and asking them to describe their religion. Ask three Christians, one Catholic, one Latter Day Saint, and one Seven Day Adventist what the common Christian believes and they most likely will have three different answers, except they all believe in Christ. Well, all Pagans believe in the Earth as a thing to worship.

My form of Paganism is a family tradition that my mother had taught me. We do everything naturally (for the most part. I never was vaccinated, but I think it's time we went a little modern so I changed that part of our Holy Book to allow it.) I do make our own medicine using herbs I either buy or grow. We have celebrations for the moon cycles and the seasons. We also celebrate our own growing up. We honor our ancestors everyday and we honor our house spirits so that they may protect us. We use divination, but do it wisely as according to our teachings. I also own many books on the different sects of Paganism, because I love learning about my fellow Pagans (hence the book I quoted up top. I found that in an airport on my way over to Japan.) I also try to learn about as many other religions as I can.

I hope I've cleared some of this up. Anymore questions and I am here. I don't mind answering them.

Today was Fruitful

Literally. We got to go and pick some vegetables and tomatoes from my mother in laws garden before the next freeze. It's been freezing lately and she needed it all picked before it ruins the entire garden. Me being the ever faithful daughter cannot ever refuse free food. Plus, we got our pumpkin from her garden and it was also free. I like free right now in this horrible time of needing money for overly priced things. I wish I had listened to my gut and taken more of the free food, but I don't have a place to store it all! We need to buy a freezer and soon. That being said, I had a wonderful time today! It was amazing. I was with my husband's family and I didn't feel like cursing anyone. I think I'm getting this whole having to be nice to every one, no matter what, thing down. I usually just try to avoid Christians, but this time we had a wonderful time, and this time no one in the family decided to save my soul. I'm very proud of myself and happy that I think we're all starting to get along.
That being said, I don't think I'm going to leave my house again anytime soon. I ran a few laps around the house with my dog, and I felt like I was suffocating afterwards. I hate the cold. I know, I'm a witch and should be in-tune with all weathers because she is Mother Earth and everything, but I HATE THE COLD! I get nose bleeds, trouble breathing, muscles sore from shivering, and I just plain hate being cold. I know that it's pretty funny the way I grew up saying this now, but I really just don't like the sun being so far away from the Earth on this side of the planet.
What I mean by that is that we were always out at night in our home town, and our windows were covered completely to not allow any sun into our house, but it was never cold. We kept it very warm inside, we just didn't like the sun being so bright! HAHAHAHA! Well, now I like the sun, and I love being warm. I am going to hate winter up so North. I loved being in my desert...

Would It Be So Hard?

So, Jon has promised to "try harder" to get me pregnant. I thought we missed my time, though, because I was sure that at the time he had become sick for four days I was ready to have a baby made inside. I have begged, pleaded, offered sacrifices, and even just cried to the gods to bless me with another baby. It worked before, plus the babymaking process of having Jon willingly in bed with me, and I became pregnant with Kenre. I don't usually do spells to help myself like this, but I really want to be young when my children decide not to live in my house anymore at 18. I want my big family, too. I want more giggles and even whinning inside the walls of this house.

Kenre is overly social for a 12 month old, but this town avoids me like I have the plague. They avoid Kenre even more. The one friend I have here I only see hopefully once a week. She's so busy with her five kids that I feel I impose myself upon her when I visit her. Kenre is begging everyday to go outside, that it breaks my heart to walk to the park only to see the kids avoid us. Kenre chases them, hoping they'll play with him. It hurts that they run away from him. Or sometimes everyone leaves the park right when they see us walking down the hill. He sits alone sitting on the sand and looks at me. He signs "friend?" and I just have to sign back, "No friends here, sorry." He then throws some sand and walks back to his stroller. It's heart braking. I knew he was advanced, but it hurts that he actually wants social interaction and doesn't have anyone.

His half-brother is here every other weekend and he just lights up when he sees Alex come out of the other van. He signs, "ALEX" and Alex yells, "KENRE" and I feel so happy to hear both of them giggling at each other. For the 3 hour trip back to our house they play and laugh together from their carseats. For two days Kenre is following and playing with his older half brother. Then we have to return the 4 year old to his mom, and Kenre turns into a monster for a day. He whines and cries. He begs for "Alex" to come back. He wants to play with friends.

I want to have a child for him to have someone to play with. I want a child to have my large family. I love kids and I feel like I'm being punished for something by not being pregnant yet. We've been trying since May! Why is it that everyone I know seems to be pregnant or already have another baby. My own sister has a 7 month old and is pregnant again!

So, here I am... sitting here wondering if my hurting breasts means I'm pregnant or it just means I'm going to get my period again soon. Would it be so hard for the gods to just allow me to have another child? I loved being pregnant. I loved holding my new baby. I love raising the boys I have now. I just love kids. Why is it they can't bless me with another child?

My sister had the nerve to say that she's pregnant again because she believes in Jesus! I can't turn to a faith I don't believe in, and wouldn't it be kind of, I don't know, mean to the rest of the Christians if I turned to Jesus just to have a kid? I just can't believe in it, and anyway I was pregnant with Kenre and Pagan. I know many Pagans who have multiple kids. I know many Jewish people who have multiple kids. Not to mention the other faiths all around the world who have multiple kids! If just believing in a certain diety worked, I'm sure all infirtile couples would be flocking the churches.

So here I am... again... just wondering if I am finally pregnant...