HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOVEMBER!

Happy Birthday Grandma! Happy Birthday Jon! Happy Birthday Adam! This month seems to be full of birthdays.

I also have a new nephew, named Michael. He was born on the 7th. He's my brother Ben's child. I hope he lives a wonderful life with his half sisters, two moms, and his wonderful dad.

I hope everyone had a wonderful week. I know I didn't do much this week. My life was full of helping my friend take care of her sick twins. It was an experience I'll never forget. Kenre and I both did not get sick. At least, not yet. We both had our shots, so I think we're good.

I'm tired right now, though. Tomorrow is my day to wake up with the kids. Jon is sleeping in. We take our turns.

We also have Alex until Tuesday, thanks to Baka and company moving houses over the weekend. I love being a free babysitter when ever they chose it. I love Alex, though, so I don't mind as much as people think. I think it's good for him to be with us as much as possible. He seems to thrive under our care (so says his Special Needs teachers). He runs me crazy, though. He's just so full of energy and very loud. I guess all, or most, four year old are like this, though. He's a wonderful little boy. I wish we could have him longer, because his progress made at our house is gone by the time he returns again.

So, anyway. I have good news, but I'm holding it in for a while. I am going to hold it until I can't anymore. Talk to everyone later!

P.S. Sorry about the last post. I was hormonal and don't know why I even wrote it now. I usually don't complain about stuff like that, but I'm a bit lonely here in the middle of snow central while all my friends are still in camel land.

Where are my Friends?

I know this is going to probably be a pissy post, but I have been placing my life on here and no one has commented. I know my life is boring, but can someone at least comment? I went out of my way to make friends and join groups. I try to comment on friend's pages as much as I'm able to, but I haven't received a comment on my page. Am I really that dull? I have one physical friend, and she is so sporadic when I can speak with her, that I'm lonely. I'm a shut in. I want to have friends. Where are you friends?Okay, I'm done whining.

Thank you for reading this, if you did actually read this.

This Weekend was Deer Hunting, without the Deer

That's right. We hunted the entire weekend, and five minutes before the season ended Christopher, Garrett, and Grandma saw four deer. The first deer seen all weekend! So, Grandma shot into the air to startle them into freezing. They were right behind Garrett's deer stand (more like a club house on the ground). She couldn't shoot at the deer without worrying about shooting into the stand and possibly hitting either of her sons sitting in there. So, Garrett decided to come out and check to see what Grandma shot at. As he opened the door, Christopher decided to push passed him, but tripped on something and fell out of the stand. "Deer!" he screamed as he saw them staring at them. Both of the boys got a shot off, but they both missed as the deer took off for their lives.

I also got to help them "drive" the deer. Pretty much we spread out and walked through the long grass where deer usually lay down and wait out the day. It was fun. Everyone kept telling me I couldn't do it and I insisted they were wrong. I even had to walk the stream. It was like walking the washes in the desert. The paths that the water takes down the mountains was just like this stream I was jumping from bank to bank on. The thorn bushes were just like the desert sage I used to battle to get up the mountain side. Of course there was a lot more trees than in the desert, but finding my footing was easy. I enjoyed it a lot. Made me feel more like my old self than in a long time. I used to walk the desert everyday with the dogs and my siblings. We used to search for horny toads, lizards, and any cacti we could use as well. Only driving deer is colder than walking through the desert! Hee hee! I was bundled up and everyone kept making sure I was warm enough. I think they thought I was going to go back or something. I wanted to do this! I love watching Kenre, but I needed to walk through some tough terrain for a while. It made me feel better inside.

I pulled out my old dresses last week. I sat in the closet and cried for a while. I even put one on and walked around for a while. It's just not fair, I think. I feel normal in my dresses. Grandma convince Jon a while ago, that I needed to wear pants and t-shirts instead of my dresses. Now I feel like it's the only way to please him. He even walked into the house while I was wearing the dress. He said, "Run out of clean clothes?" I didn't, of course, I keep on that very well, but I nodded anyway. Hide my necklace, hide my books, hide my accent, hide my dresses, and hide myself all because I really want a friend. I really want Jon to keep loving me. I really want a family up here.

I know my dresses aren't the normal up here, but I feel normal in them. I feel confident and strong. I feel so stupid wearing jeans and t-shirts! I feel like I should just cut my hair, lower my voice, and start to curse at everyone, like the males in this town do. I'm a female! Why can't I show it?!

So now who am I? If I was Muslim would they tell me not to wear my burka? If I was Jewish would they tell me not to wear my Star of David? So, I'm Pagan and in my tradition it says to wear these dresses and my necklace. I can't, though, and it hurts. Jon keeps saying that he's sorry, but I want friends so much I can't scare everyone away. Well, I've been here since May and I have one friend... and she's an outcast too. Sometimes I wish I could just live in a Pagan town with all Pagan people! It would be so much easier on us. My dresses aren't normal for them either, but they wouldn't tell me to take them off!

I only have the summer version of my dresses anyway. I need a winter version of the style if I'm ever going to be able to wear them all year long. Too bad I can't sew worth crap. It's not hard to make, but mine keep coming out lopsided... I am also broke beyond words.

So, I guess I've vented long enough. We don't have much deer meat coming our way, but Grandma Great said she was going to see if we can have half of the cow meat they're getting this year.

Through the Family Time

We went hunting this last weekend. It was interesting, but very cold. I decided to stay indoors and watch Kenre and Alex with Grandma Great all weekend. Except for on Saturday night when Grandma came through the door and said that Garrett had shot one. I decided I wanted to go and see my first deer. I bundled up and put on Christopher's boots (I had to re-lace and pull them tight because this kid doesn't do that.) We walked through the mud, through the orchard, and out onto one of the fields that had already been harvested for the year. It was muddy, snowy, windy, and cold. I probably should have stayed inside, but I have never been hunting like this before. When we got there Grandpa Great, Garrett, and Jon were already starting to gut the doe. Grandpa Great was angry. It was his doe tag that Garrett had used. In party hunting all of the tags are placed on the table and they're told how many bucks and does they can kill. Well, this year only Grandpa Great was able to receive a doe tag. I leaned down to the doe and thanked her. We are so extremely poor that we needed her meat to survive until we can get Jon's bonus at the end of the year. We also needed to still buy Kenre some winter clothing, and needed to sell her fur for it. I thanked her with all of my heart. I also thanked the God of the Hunt for bringing her into our land.

Grandpa Great was so angry that he told Garrett he can carry the 160LBS of deer up to the house. I remembered the trek out and wondered how he was going to do that!? They tied the deer to a rope and I even helped pull her. She was large, according to Grandma and Garrett. Christopher helped us by carrying the guns. We finally made it back to the shed where we strung her up to let the blood out. I'm surprised with myself, and I surprised all of Jon's family too. I didn't know how I would react to seeing a dead animal. Turns out I'm fine by it. I am the first female to marry into the family that hadn't started reacting horribly, like crying or something. One woman, my sister in law Rachele, is now a strict vegetarian because she witnessed deer hunting. I guess seeing a deer dead and gutted wasn't something her mind ever wanted to view again when she looked at her plate. I love meat way too much, and we needed that doe for food. I am more about necessity than civilization can ever gross out of me.

So, for the deer story this weekend:

Christopher is eleven years old. They made a new rule this year deer hunting that ten and eleven year old may hunt on their parent's license. So, Grandma took him out to the stand. Deer hunting is about being very quiet so that the deer don't spook and run away. They had been out there for a long while, when all of a sudden Christopher shouts, "A deer! Look!" Grandma turns her head to look down his pointing finger and says, "Christopher, that's a squirrel." They argued about it for a bit, but in the end Christopher did indeed admit that it was a squirrel. He now is saying it had to have been a four foot squirrel. Grandma keeps telling us it wasn't even the largest squirrel she's ever seen. We all laughed good on this one.

Alex was alright during the weekend, except he went backwards on potty training again. In the end I ran out of underwear to put him in, so Grandma Great had to put him in one of Kenre's cloth diapers. This happened when I was out getting the doe with Grandma and Garrett. Jon and I both agreed that he'd stay in the solid white diaper until he could be trusted to go on the toilet again. It was hard, but he was really embarrassed and I think it worked. He pulled his shirt really bad to try and cover the diaper, but we all knew he was in it. I know we were suppose to be patient, but I am getting sick of having to re-train him every other weekend when we have him again. I don't scream, and I am usually so patient, but he went through almost 24 underwear in a 24 hour period. That's like peeing and pooping constantly, especially when we just had him on the toilet or just changed him. It was getting ridiculous. I wondered what could have happened for the two weeks we didn't have him, besides the fact they leave him in pull ups all of the time and don't take him to the bathroom. His behavior was fine, though, except when the diaper was placed on him. He lay on the floor and covered his face hiding. Fine by me, though. Finally he asked to go potty and we took the diaper off of him and he went in the toilet. We put underwear on him again and told him if he went in his pants again we were going to put him in a diaper for a whole day. The next day was fine. He went in the toilet the whole time, except for right before we left to take him back to Baka's. He went poop again in his underwear, and struggled against getting dressed. He knew we had to return him to Baka's and again he fought us the whole way.

Friday night/Saturday morning we got woken up to a screaming Kenre at about 1:30AM. He was so scared and screamed for over an hour and half. We couldn't figure it out. We tried everything but nothing worked. Finally, we calmed him down with some books and reading to him. When we lay him down again he went right to sleep. We couldn't figure it out, until the next morning. Grandma and Miranda told us about Great Great Grandma who died in the same room we were sleeping in. That Grandma and Miranda has seen her walking about the old sections of the house and she's checked in on people before. She probably was checking on Kenre, and since Kenre is a light sleeper, woke him up on accident. It probably scared poor Kenre to be touched by an apparition. I know on Sunday morning, at 3AM, I was woken up by the same apparition. She was just curious as to who I was and where Kenre was (he was sleeping down stairs in the new part of the house since we didn't want a repeat of the night before.) I've seen ghosts before, so she didn't scare me as much as she probably thought she would. I whispered to her for almost an hour, talking about who I was, why I could see her, and who Kenre was. I asked her questions, but she didn't answer me. She just stood there giving me feelings and impressions, no actual voice. It was her house, and I could understand she was just protecting her family. The house has been in the family since the original homestead in the mid 1800's. The farm land all has been handed down as well. Great Great Grandma is nice, but she sure scared Kenre really bad. Jon's never seen her, but he believes us. I was hoping it had been my Grandmother who was with us, but I haven't seen her since I left my parent's home. She's probably still with my mother.

When we returned from the weekend I had 23 missed calls on my home phone. Who? Well, my sister Kier and my mother, of course. I thought Kier wasn't speaking with me, and my mother never calls me, so I didn't let them know I was hunting this weekend. Anyway, why would I have to pass anything by them? I'm 23 years old! Well, they left some messages on my machine, Kier called me some mean things, and my mother wanted to know why I was mad at them all. Jon and I laughed pretty hard. It was ridiculous. I did tell them about this coming weekend, though, because I don't want the cops called on our house for a missing person's report done on me!

On another note, I did miscarry over a week ago. I took another test and it came back negative this time. Jon and I are going to keep trying. It hurts inside to think about what could have been, but I know that we'll just have to receive our little one again at a different time. Kenre received two more shots yesterday and that completes his 12 month vaccinations. There's snow on the ground and fog filling the town. It seems like it's going to be an interesting walk this afternoon after Kenre's nap is over. We need quarters to clean laundry, so it's inevitable that we will go for our walk. Plus, I need to pay electric and phone.

Family Members:

Christopher- Grandma's adopted youngest child. He's 11.
Garrett- Grandma's youngest biological child. He's 19.
Miranda- Grandma's only biological daughter. She's 21.
Richele- Jon's sister-in-law. Married to Shaun, Jon's step-brother.
Grandma- Jon's mother, but Kenre's Grandma. My mother-in-law.
Grandma Great- Jon's Grandma, Grandma's mom, Kenre's Great Grandma.
Grandpa Great- Jon's Grandpa, Grandma's dad, Kenre's Great Grandpa.
Great Great Grandma- Died in the early 1900's. She is still haunting peacefully in her house where she died and was buried.
Kier- My sister. Age 21.

We will be hunting again this weekend. We still have tags to fill, and three families to feed on the meat. Hopefully Grandma Great will allow me to raid their freezer for some meat now. I'm also hoping she allows me to cook this weekend, since Jon's body didn't agree with her cooking.

Samhain Weekend

I'm totally exhausted, but alright. Time changes suck! I hate this whole changing the clocks thing.

We do Samhain, which is a three day holiday. Usually a wonderful holiday, but this year it sucked. We had no food for feasting. Our old alter had to be pawned for money, so we had no altar this year. Kenre got lots of candy that he cannot eat. Though he did start signing "Trick or Treat" by the end of the going door to door. Then we had to drop him off at his grandma's.

Halloween day (the 31st) was interesting. We went to a party and my DH told me somethings he probably shouldn't have. The next day I almost left him for good because of what he said. We worked it out, though. Our families are disappointed that we're still together, because they were both trying to find a way to split us up after our fight. So, now we're just trying to stay together through the tormenting our families are giving each of us.

We're going hunting this coming weekend. Finally. I can't wait until we have deer meat again. I am so sick of trying to buy meat or poultry at the store and still trying to hold onto precious emergency money.

We got a bill for Alex and Kenre's doctors appointments. I am so sick of paying bills with no money. We're jumping around paydays and extra money here and there to make everything work out. I swear if I see any of my math teachers right now I'd kill them, because I hate math and the fact that they taught me how to do all of this makes me mad at them. To sit here and go "Okay, tuesday this bill needs to be paid. It'll take three days for the check to clear. I need forty more dollars into this account for it. On thursday I get paid, but I'll track the money back into your account for this bill that needs to be paid on Friday. The rent is due next week, but we can hold off until the 5th if we're careful to mail it out at this post office at this time." I swear we're just trying to find as many loop holes as possibly.

You know. Sometimes I wonder how anyone is actually coming along in this world. We're trying to get by here, and we're living in cheap-ville. I'm going to start selling off my religious books and parenting books soon. I love them, though. I read them constantly. We need the money.

On a good note. Kenre broke through some more teeth. Now that's six on top and four on the bottom. He's biting a lot more, though. At least he's able to chew better.

So much for a Happy Ending...

I started bleeding yesterday afternoon. I'm cramping really bad too. My mother says I shouldn't worry, and could still be carrying, but I feel like it's a lost cause. I'll never become pregnant again and carry again. Kenre is my miracle baby, and the doctors told me to love him best because he'll be my only one. I want my big family, though, and we cannot afford to adopt. My younger sister, Kier, is pregnant again too. This is her third child, all under 3 years old. How come I want one, and she doesn't want more, and yet I can't carry? Why is it that the world is so screwed up like that?

So, after trying for another one since May and again being told I can never have another baby, here is the test I took this evening.

I'm so happy that I actually cried three times already for joy. I really hope this goes to term, because I want my big family so bad. Kenre needs a friend, and he is really good with the baby we babysit. He thinks it's fun to place the pacifier in the baby's mouth. I know he'll be a wonderful older/middle (Alex included every other weekend, of course) brother to this baby. I'm hoping for a boy. Too early to tell, though. YAY!! I feel like running around and telling everyone!

Sick Children and mom's who don't care...

Yup, you read the right. Mom's who don't care their kids are sick. Now, I'm not talking just about the viral or bacterial sickness either. I'm talking about every type of "sick" you can think of. Why am I saying this? Well...

Thursday Jon called Baka, Alex's birth mom, to tell her that he needs to pick Alex up early on Friday because he's going up into the Cities to drop off a part from the shop he works in. So, Baka's fiance, Donkey, answers the phone and talks with Jon for a while. I keep hearing, "Yup" and "Uh-huh" and other such affirming sounds coming from Jon and I'm thinking, "What in the world is he agreeing to?!" Jon used to be a push-over to Baka's every whim, and Donkey has used this to his advantage as well. I was sitting there trying to hear the conversation, but couldn't. I started pacing in my frustration when finally Jon hangs up the phone. He starts to tell me that it's fine he goes and picks up Alex early. They're going to be looking for a Town House to live in, so it'll work out better for them. Plus, Alex has a double ear infection... wait, WHAT?! They're allowing Alex to come over to my house when Kenre just got his shots... thus Kenre is going to get sick because his immune system is crap right now... and I'm already dealing with a sick one year old, now I have to deal with a sick four year old too!? Why me? Why is it that Baka even will allow her sick son to leave the house when it's 30 degrees (Fahrenheit) outside?! It's below freezing (I know because we scrape the ice off the windshield every morning for two weeks now.) They're calling for snow on Sunday, and she doesn't mind that her four year old is going to be outside in this!? Why? Because she wants the weekend off. Donkey is going to take Mute (Baka's and Donkey's son) with him to see the Town Houses and he always takes him on Saturdays we have Alex for his "Father/Son Bonding time". When do I get my time off? ...right now, while I sit here blogging at night knowing one of the two are going to wake up any minute now from nightmares, pain, or fever. I wish I could actually cry right now...

So, why "moms" as in plural? Well, while waiting for Jon and Alex to return from the Cities, Kenre and I were down stairs doing my normal weekday tutoring session with two kids of my friends. Jazz and Ell are both very behind in their school work and Jazz is even repeating third grade. Their younger sister, four year old Flower, loves learning new signs from me and the twins Jewels and Eve love copying their older sister as well. Now, Eve was sleeping, but Jewels was awake to play with Kenre (they are about three months apart in age). I'm teaching Flower some new signs and helping Jazz with her Sign Language homework when Ell comes barreling into the apartment and hands their mom, Carley, and note from the caretaker of the building. It's obvious he was trying to open it, but was unable to because they're sealed so that you have to use a knife to open them. So, I'm teaching Flower the sign for "keys" when Carley starts to scream at her two oldest. The note said they had been caught in another tenet's car! Both children start to cry and vehemently deny the whole thing. So, Carley calls the caretaker and asks which tenet, because her kids are lying to her and she wants to know what car they were caught in. You see, she though that since another tenet and her have the same type of vehicle it is possibly the kids mistook the car of the tenets for hers. It's actually quite possible. Kids don't always think to look at license plates. So, they leave the apartment with the knowledge that I will watch the other kids while she finds the truth behind all of this. Turns out it was a completely different car the kids went into. They even seemed to search the trunk!

They return and both kids are sent to their rooms and told they cannot come out until it is spotless. Ell of course comes out not even two minutes into his sentence and Jazz comes out after about five minutes. I'm waiting for Carley to punish them or send them back into their rooms. It didn't happen, at least not while I was there. I don't know why she doesn't see that she is just allowing them to misbehave. We lock our car, but that is really just a habit from living in a city all my life and Jon living with me for the last two years. We also lock our apartment, which is surprising to our neighbors. It's just something we do and probably always will. You never know when even country kids will get the idea to "have a little fun". What were the kids doing in the car? Why did they enter it? I don't know. I didn't ask. Jon showed up and I finished my tutoring to meet him out in the hall so that Kenre could scream at the top of his lungs and sign "Alex" while Alex ran up and hugged Kenre yelling out "Henry!" It made the whole drama in the other apartment leave my mind. I did ask Jon if he locked the car, though. Which he looked at me funny and said, "Of course."

Now, after all of this, I just got told that tomorrow I might have my day off after all! Well, kind of. I'll have Kenre, but he's fine and usually pretty quiet. Alex is going to go over to Jon's parents' house to play with his friend L.J. That is, if L.J. shows up and Alex is a "big boy" and keeps his pants dry and clean. Jon is probably going to work. I am going to go for my nice long walk I've been missing since it's been raining lately. I also need to buy a printer for my stay at home job, and I got wind of one for 30$ at a local second hand store. Hopefully it's in good condition and I can find the ink for it!

I have a nice clean house now. I need to hang my clean laundry, but since both kids are sleeping I'll have to wait until tomorrow for that.

Can you believe that Samhain (Halloween) is just a week away?! Oh I am so happy! I love Samhain! Kenre is going as Tigger, and so are Jewel and Eve down stairs. It just so happens that we bought the same outfit and are going together around the neighborhood! We won't have Alex, but we'll have him next year. I'm sure we can come up with a good theme for next years double costumes! I hope Carley doesn't get evicted by then, either, because she is my only friend here in this small town.

(People in this post have been given nicknames except for my family. I do this because I do not know if they wish their names all over the web.)

((Baka= It's a term I hear in Japan. It means Idiot. When I repeated this term to others from around the world they came up with translations from their own respective countries. Philippines: Homosexual ... Spanish: Cow ... Arabic: Camel ... This being said we use it for Alex's mom's name since we think she is a Fat Gay Idiot Camel {Watch it, they spit and retain water}. it worked well.

Donkey= We came up with this term to keep his attributes G rated.

Mute= This is the term we came up with to use for their son, because he is 20 months old and doesn't make a sound. I'm serious. A two hour conference with Alex's teachers and Mute didn't make a noise the entire time. Surprisingly, Alex was quiet until I asked him what was wrong. He smiled and said, "Hi mommy" to me and was talkative once again.

Now you know who these three are and why they have their names.))

Uhm... Why?

Why am I awake? I didn't fall to sleep too well last night and I definitely didn't get my prescribed eight hours or slightly longer. So, why am I bloody awake right now!?

The alarm went off for Jon to go to work, but he won't wake up. His excuse is that we have to leave for the doctor's office at 10:15 to make it in time. I don't see why he couldn't go to work before 8AM, though. His shop is down the street, not even a whole 5 minute drive from here. I walk pass it all of the time on my daily walks (which are slowing down because of the cold). Then again most people can't walk the miles I can. I just like to walk, and if everything was within my walking distance I would rather do that, at least until the cold becomes too unbearable.

So, at 8AM Kenre decided to start crying. I get up, go into the kitchen to get his bottle ready. As I'm rinsing out the nipple of the bottle I hear him settle down and fall back asleep. Now I'm awake and no reason for it. I only got four hours of sleep, and I'm tired, but unable to fall back into slumber again.

Why can't my life ever be "normal." Or may be this is normal and no one has clued me in yet!

I told you so!

Do you ever hate those words: "I told you so."

So do I. I hate them even more when I have the urge to say them aloud to someone else. Especially to a hurting friend. So, why am I talking about this? Well, today a friend of mine I haven't spoken to in a long while called me. We used to be room-mates in Japan. His wife, him, my husband, and me. Well, they became pregnant (or at least his wife did) and they moved out to start their family together. We didn't mind. His wife was really bad and I didn't like her. He is too soft and a total door mat. I was getting sick of caring for them like they were my children. The day after they left my husband and I lay in our bed and talked for a while. The bad thing, we made bets on their marriage. I know we shouldn't have, but we really didn't even think they'd be able to keep a baby alive let alone stay married. I told my friend, his name's James by the way, that he should really think about what might happen in the future here. He brushed me off then. Today he called me to say that he just finished the divorce with his now ex-wife. He has 50/50 custody of his son, Kyan, who's 18 months old. I wanted to say, "Told you so, but you wouldn't listen." I warned him about everything that forced his hand to divorce her. She cheated on him and then called CPS saying he was abusing Kyan. I feel like she's doing everything that Mindy, Jon's first wife, did to force Jon not to have any custody or contact with Alex. *Le sigh* I feel like I can't do anything for anyone now a days.

So, today was interesting, though. I couldn't get Kenre to wake up. No, seriously, he just didn't want to wake up. I walked into his room at 11 AM and he opened his eyes to look at me, but didn't move. I told him I'd be back, and walked out to get his bottle. When I returned he was asleep again. I picked him up, gave him his bottle, then laid him down to change his diaper. While changing his diaper he fell back asleep again. What am I going to do with that boy. He's so lazy! He's 12 months old and sleeps a lot when he's suppose to be awake, and then today for nap time he didn't sleep at all! I had to call the doctors to make an appointment for him, and he just wanted to scream the entire time. Arg...

We watched a lot of Signing Time! and I even feel like I can sign every single episode now. We have Baby Signing Time! Volume's 1 and 2. Then we have Signing Time! Volumes 1-6. Sad thing is we need more. There's two season (each 13 episodes) and two more Baby Signing Time! that just got released. I am so broke, but he is constantly wanting a new one. We watch only Signing Time! now in this house. I've tried Word World and Bear in the Big Blue House, but he's not interested. He wants to see the kids signing. Plus, he's a bit tone deaf and it probably helps that they're using something he can "talk" with. He can't hear the other shows, but Signing Time! gives him something he can understand.

So, now he just woke up tonight and is again not wanting to fall asleep. Could something be wrong with him? I'm glad I made that doctors appointment, but I have a complete headache now. I wish I could just lay him down and be done for the night.

I want a full night's sleep!!!!! Why can I just not get that? If it's not Kenre, it's Alex, or something other in my life has upset me and I lie awake wondering what I should do.

Well, it's late now. I need to clean my house up and then get into bed and hopefully Kenre will fall asleep and I'll be able to finally sleep a full night too. Wish me luck!

Many Have Asked...

...me what I mean in my signature by Pagan. This is also a hot topic online right now because of Halloween coming up. I am going to place some information about Halloween at a later date.

Here's my answer to Paganism:

I am using the term Pagan to be used with the definition:

"A modern religious movement that encompasses traditions which are generally earth-centered; magickal; indigenous; stress a connection to and respect for the natural world; recognize both male and female deities; encourage diversity in spiritual beliefs, practices, and lifestyles; do not operate under a central hierarchy; have no official or standerdized dogma that extends beyond the particular tradition; and stresses personal responsibility in matters of belief, ethics, and spiritual practice." -PAGANISM; An Introduction To Earth-Centered Religions by: Joyce & River Higginbotham

It's a religion, not a cult. It does not usually have anything to do with Christianity, though there are some who claim to be Christian Pagan, and those would include hell and heaven in their practices. It has some things to do with the occult in some cases. Has a lot to do with pluralism since everything must have a male and female side. There is no recognized sin, so salvation wouldn't be included unless someone said it to one of us to "save our souls." Some of us consider ourselves to be the more modern version of a Witch. Some of us claim to do Witchcraft. The Unitarian churches welcome us to their services, but many of us don't go. We are Universalist, in the sense that I know of the word, because we believe everything is combined in the Universe. Voodoo is the witchcraft known in the Hoodoo religion. Hoodoo or Voodoo is not a Pagan known religion, but one more closely associated with Santeria or African tribe based religions not commonly associated with the new movement of Paganism.

Asking a Pagan to describe their religion is like taking the many different type of Christian religious sects and asking them to describe their religion. Ask three Christians, one Catholic, one Latter Day Saint, and one Seven Day Adventist what the common Christian believes and they most likely will have three different answers, except they all believe in Christ. Well, all Pagans believe in the Earth as a thing to worship.

My form of Paganism is a family tradition that my mother had taught me. We do everything naturally (for the most part. I never was vaccinated, but I think it's time we went a little modern so I changed that part of our Holy Book to allow it.) I do make our own medicine using herbs I either buy or grow. We have celebrations for the moon cycles and the seasons. We also celebrate our own growing up. We honor our ancestors everyday and we honor our house spirits so that they may protect us. We use divination, but do it wisely as according to our teachings. I also own many books on the different sects of Paganism, because I love learning about my fellow Pagans (hence the book I quoted up top. I found that in an airport on my way over to Japan.) I also try to learn about as many other religions as I can.

I hope I've cleared some of this up. Anymore questions and I am here. I don't mind answering them.

Today was Fruitful

Literally. We got to go and pick some vegetables and tomatoes from my mother in laws garden before the next freeze. It's been freezing lately and she needed it all picked before it ruins the entire garden. Me being the ever faithful daughter cannot ever refuse free food. Plus, we got our pumpkin from her garden and it was also free. I like free right now in this horrible time of needing money for overly priced things. I wish I had listened to my gut and taken more of the free food, but I don't have a place to store it all! We need to buy a freezer and soon. That being said, I had a wonderful time today! It was amazing. I was with my husband's family and I didn't feel like cursing anyone. I think I'm getting this whole having to be nice to every one, no matter what, thing down. I usually just try to avoid Christians, but this time we had a wonderful time, and this time no one in the family decided to save my soul. I'm very proud of myself and happy that I think we're all starting to get along.
That being said, I don't think I'm going to leave my house again anytime soon. I ran a few laps around the house with my dog, and I felt like I was suffocating afterwards. I hate the cold. I know, I'm a witch and should be in-tune with all weathers because she is Mother Earth and everything, but I HATE THE COLD! I get nose bleeds, trouble breathing, muscles sore from shivering, and I just plain hate being cold. I know that it's pretty funny the way I grew up saying this now, but I really just don't like the sun being so far away from the Earth on this side of the planet.
What I mean by that is that we were always out at night in our home town, and our windows were covered completely to not allow any sun into our house, but it was never cold. We kept it very warm inside, we just didn't like the sun being so bright! HAHAHAHA! Well, now I like the sun, and I love being warm. I am going to hate winter up so North. I loved being in my desert...

Would It Be So Hard?

So, Jon has promised to "try harder" to get me pregnant. I thought we missed my time, though, because I was sure that at the time he had become sick for four days I was ready to have a baby made inside. I have begged, pleaded, offered sacrifices, and even just cried to the gods to bless me with another baby. It worked before, plus the babymaking process of having Jon willingly in bed with me, and I became pregnant with Kenre. I don't usually do spells to help myself like this, but I really want to be young when my children decide not to live in my house anymore at 18. I want my big family, too. I want more giggles and even whinning inside the walls of this house.

Kenre is overly social for a 12 month old, but this town avoids me like I have the plague. They avoid Kenre even more. The one friend I have here I only see hopefully once a week. She's so busy with her five kids that I feel I impose myself upon her when I visit her. Kenre is begging everyday to go outside, that it breaks my heart to walk to the park only to see the kids avoid us. Kenre chases them, hoping they'll play with him. It hurts that they run away from him. Or sometimes everyone leaves the park right when they see us walking down the hill. He sits alone sitting on the sand and looks at me. He signs "friend?" and I just have to sign back, "No friends here, sorry." He then throws some sand and walks back to his stroller. It's heart braking. I knew he was advanced, but it hurts that he actually wants social interaction and doesn't have anyone.

His half-brother is here every other weekend and he just lights up when he sees Alex come out of the other van. He signs, "ALEX" and Alex yells, "KENRE" and I feel so happy to hear both of them giggling at each other. For the 3 hour trip back to our house they play and laugh together from their carseats. For two days Kenre is following and playing with his older half brother. Then we have to return the 4 year old to his mom, and Kenre turns into a monster for a day. He whines and cries. He begs for "Alex" to come back. He wants to play with friends.

I want to have a child for him to have someone to play with. I want a child to have my large family. I love kids and I feel like I'm being punished for something by not being pregnant yet. We've been trying since May! Why is it that everyone I know seems to be pregnant or already have another baby. My own sister has a 7 month old and is pregnant again!

So, here I am... sitting here wondering if my hurting breasts means I'm pregnant or it just means I'm going to get my period again soon. Would it be so hard for the gods to just allow me to have another child? I loved being pregnant. I loved holding my new baby. I love raising the boys I have now. I just love kids. Why is it they can't bless me with another child?

My sister had the nerve to say that she's pregnant again because she believes in Jesus! I can't turn to a faith I don't believe in, and wouldn't it be kind of, I don't know, mean to the rest of the Christians if I turned to Jesus just to have a kid? I just can't believe in it, and anyway I was pregnant with Kenre and Pagan. I know many Pagans who have multiple kids. I know many Jewish people who have multiple kids. Not to mention the other faiths all around the world who have multiple kids! If just believing in a certain diety worked, I'm sure all infirtile couples would be flocking the churches.

So here I am... again... just wondering if I am finally pregnant...

Starting out

So, I need a place to just veg and complain. I also thought that since I suck at writing down my thoughts, and usually take them out on my poor husband during the day, I needed to find a place online to do it. So, welcome to my veggy journal online.

So, today I woke up before the alarm went off at 7:30AM for my husband, Jon, to get up for work. I stared at the wall across from me and couldn't place a single good thought through my brain. I mean, besides, "What in the world am I doing awake?" Finally the alarm went off and I pushed the snooze button. About five times of pushing the snooze button for Jon, he finally got up to get going to work. He usually leaves at 8:30AM. Something about not getting up right away always makes me wonder what he did before I came around. I, of course, stayed in bed. He had opened all of the windows, except the boy's room, up last night. So, the whole house was freezing. At about 9AM Kenre woke up screaming bloody murder. He was calling out for me rapidly and screaming in a high pitched squeal! I rushed into the boy's room to see him really crying in his sleeper cot. He hugged me like he didn't think I'd come for him. I shrugged it off, though. I'm getting used to this nightmare thing coming from the boys. I just wish I knew how to stop them. Alex's nightmares, though, are just a product of his living. Kenre, on the other hand, I think is teething so maybe it's causing his brain to register the pain during his sleep as a nightmare.

We decided (I decided) that we would return to my bed. I lay there listening to him babble to me for almost a whole hour. He's so cute. I have no idea what he was telling me, but since I asked him what his dream was about, I'm guessing it was that. I just went by his facial features for my reactions. It seems to work, and it keeps him happy for a long while. Finally, though, he wanted to start to walk around my bed. It's way too high, though, so I knew I had to get up.

We went into the livingroom to start our day. I drank my instand breakfast drink and gave him a bottle and changed his diaper. He picked out a Signing Time video to watch and I held him while we watched it.

I should have really been getting all of the clothes off my couch, though. I went through all of the laundry and washed everything again. Now, I'm trying to put it all away. I have one week until Kenre's first birthday party. I'm terrified. I don't know what we're going to do. We're broke. I don't know what theme we want to do. I don't know what games to do, either! I mean, he'll be the only one year old there! Everyone else is his cousins and they're way older than him. I know his older brother, Alex, will probably be fighting with everyone over his toys. This is going to be a major disaster, especially when my mother-in-law shows up. Cindy hates me! I begged Jon to just accidently forget to send her an invite, but he said we can't do that. This woman lives to torture me! I have no friends in this town, and I'm blaming her. She is the mayor's wife. She knows everyone!

Speaking of knowing everyone, I got the most evil of looks today from a couple in the shopping mart. I mean, I felt like crying. I even looked down to see if maybe I had put on one of Jon's offensive shirts on accident! Nope, plain white t-shirt and khaki pants. My baby boy was wearing his Minnesota Twins baseball PJ's, which he looks so cute in! My pentacle was inside my shirt, so I know they weren't offended by that. I can't think of anything that would make them want to burn me with such intense staring! Except that I can't find any friends because people avoid me like I have the plague!

Maybe I do have the plague... maybe I'm just a boring Pagan woman trying to live in this Christian world. I just wish I could find a lot of people around me who are like me. Just want to sit in the grass with some soda and watch our kids play on the jungle bars. Talking about nothing and everyone bragging about their kids. I would just love to sit back and laugh with a friend again.

Jon is so boring and Kenre is 11 months old and not much of a conversationlist. We only have Alex every other weekend, but he sure can be interesting sometimes!

So, after this long thing about my day, how about some people becoming my friend?