Would It Be So Hard?

So, Jon has promised to "try harder" to get me pregnant. I thought we missed my time, though, because I was sure that at the time he had become sick for four days I was ready to have a baby made inside. I have begged, pleaded, offered sacrifices, and even just cried to the gods to bless me with another baby. It worked before, plus the babymaking process of having Jon willingly in bed with me, and I became pregnant with Kenre. I don't usually do spells to help myself like this, but I really want to be young when my children decide not to live in my house anymore at 18. I want my big family, too. I want more giggles and even whinning inside the walls of this house.

Kenre is overly social for a 12 month old, but this town avoids me like I have the plague. They avoid Kenre even more. The one friend I have here I only see hopefully once a week. She's so busy with her five kids that I feel I impose myself upon her when I visit her. Kenre is begging everyday to go outside, that it breaks my heart to walk to the park only to see the kids avoid us. Kenre chases them, hoping they'll play with him. It hurts that they run away from him. Or sometimes everyone leaves the park right when they see us walking down the hill. He sits alone sitting on the sand and looks at me. He signs "friend?" and I just have to sign back, "No friends here, sorry." He then throws some sand and walks back to his stroller. It's heart braking. I knew he was advanced, but it hurts that he actually wants social interaction and doesn't have anyone.

His half-brother is here every other weekend and he just lights up when he sees Alex come out of the other van. He signs, "ALEX" and Alex yells, "KENRE" and I feel so happy to hear both of them giggling at each other. For the 3 hour trip back to our house they play and laugh together from their carseats. For two days Kenre is following and playing with his older half brother. Then we have to return the 4 year old to his mom, and Kenre turns into a monster for a day. He whines and cries. He begs for "Alex" to come back. He wants to play with friends.

I want to have a child for him to have someone to play with. I want a child to have my large family. I love kids and I feel like I'm being punished for something by not being pregnant yet. We've been trying since May! Why is it that everyone I know seems to be pregnant or already have another baby. My own sister has a 7 month old and is pregnant again!

So, here I am... sitting here wondering if my hurting breasts means I'm pregnant or it just means I'm going to get my period again soon. Would it be so hard for the gods to just allow me to have another child? I loved being pregnant. I loved holding my new baby. I love raising the boys I have now. I just love kids. Why is it they can't bless me with another child?

My sister had the nerve to say that she's pregnant again because she believes in Jesus! I can't turn to a faith I don't believe in, and wouldn't it be kind of, I don't know, mean to the rest of the Christians if I turned to Jesus just to have a kid? I just can't believe in it, and anyway I was pregnant with Kenre and Pagan. I know many Pagans who have multiple kids. I know many Jewish people who have multiple kids. Not to mention the other faiths all around the world who have multiple kids! If just believing in a certain diety worked, I'm sure all infirtile couples would be flocking the churches.

So here I am... again... just wondering if I am finally pregnant...